She Shuffles Her Feet

My grandmaw. Christmas 2009 with my first cousin. Her, essentially her, always her. When I look at the picture I immediately think this is how she has always looked, although I know in reality she has aged in the last 37 years.

I notice on these days that she doesn't walk with the confidence that she did in the past. We went to one of her aunt's funeral. The rhythm of her steps had taken on a different beat, I could hear it. I was mesmerized by the simple action that said so much. So much that I don't want to see, accept, or hear. So much that she does not say.

My grandmother loves us in an amazing way, always has. She would rock us in her recliner when we were little, lay in bed with us until we went to sleep, make us breakfast. She does the same things with my children now. Many times I watch in awe until I am reminded (or remember) the days of being a little child and loving to be with my grandmother and grandfather. Always a constant support, stability and surety.

Now-today-this weekend, we are spending time in the hospital because she fell out of the bed and hurt herself. Her back gives her great pain. She can't stand up very well. I look on with unbelief. Is this the same woman who has run circles around me for most of my life? Who is my best friend? Who sees things in a way that most of us don't even think about. And I toss around the idea of life without her, thinking I am not ready. I talk to her everyday about my deepest fears. I see her almost every day. My children exist with her as a constant grandmother. She is my stronghold. No I cannot imagine life without her.

Grandmaw Johnson

Grandmaw Johnson
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Today is my Grandmaw's birthday. She is 77. She is the mother of five, grandmother of nine, and great grandmother of nine. Wow! It is amazing. She is the grandmother that took us in when I was 4. I remember living in the projects with her, along with my uncle, and two aunts. She was the amazing person that took care of my uncle after he got into a life changing wreck that broke his neck. I remember sleeping on a mattress on the floor with her. The rest of the family had taken the bedrooms. My grandmother has never been mean to me, always encouraging, loving, understanding. I remember being a child and wondering how everyone else could have a talent but not me. And she told me, you have a talent, you just might not know what it is yet. It was some of the most amazing words I had ever heard. She represents strength and perserverence to me. Always proving that no matter what life gives to you, you can make it. And even if life gives you a few unexpected things, it is okay, it is part of the deal. She makes the best potato salad. It is my absolute favorite. In case you don't know maw, I love you and admire you a whole lot. Love your granddaughter.