Still Trying

Sunday morning, after a week of vacation for Thanksgiving. Feeling as unmotivated as a snail on an uphill climb. The week has been far from pleasant, so unpleasant, turmoil, tears, and unsettled sleep. Unproductive in the most horrible way. Can't figure out most days if I am coming or going.
I have the most foul mood and it has been lingering for days. I can't quite figure out where it came from because I would surely send it back just as quickly. Even with the holiday season upon us my only thought is still, Lord let this time pass quickly. What if I had more money to buy presents? Would that bring a sense of "happiness" and calm? Uhhhmmmm, no it wouldn't. I know then I would anguish myself over rather or not it is the right gift, useful, blah blah blah.

What if my family was complete in one way or another? Would that answer my mood? No, I wouldn't trust him (whoever him may be), and I would still not be satisfied because the "situation" is not right. I think I will take this living arrangement then. I do not lose sleep over one person or another in my house being happy or satisfied. I do not concern myself with whether or not my actions are pleasing to another. My only concern is for my children and no matter any of the above circumstances, I would be concerned with all aspects of their life and how I affected it.

I have spent some of this vacation purging my storage totes. It started out as a Christmas material search but ended as a look back in time search. I found the tote with all of my wedding materials in it. So I started purging, and purging, and purging. I found a most disturbing journal entry. I wrote this during the spring of 96, before I was married and I was still in college. I was worried that I wasn't going to finish college, life was so difficult (if I only knew), dealing with my parents was difficult too. Yet, the most creapy think of all was at the very end of the journal entry. I was complaining of the idiot's job. He was in the jailer position and they were confirming and reassuring him that he would soon be on the road. I shared that I was worried that he would be unfaithful (what the he!!), he would be presented with an opportunity and would be WEAK. Oh sweet everything that is good and faithful in this world, how could I have had such thoughts about a person I was less than six months from marrying? And if I was having those thoughts, why in the world did I marry him anyway? Was that a prominition or just a thought because of something that had already happened and for the life of me I can't even imagine anything that had happened at that point in our lives. My heart was pure and I was walking into this agreement with the more confidence than I had ever felt about anything else in my life.

Is this God's way of telling me this is what it was all along even though I didn't even know it? I pray for guidance and forgiveness.

Ending Up Where You Started

I sit with my computer, wondering how much can I say, or not. Open your thoughts or not. Is it really opening when someone has already read them?

Insomnia has taken me again. Oh so tired, yet can't put my eyes to sleep. Sleep, oh so precious, leads to the dreams, even more precious. Dreams that open up.......what? I can't remember.

I started this post about six months ago. Of course, for the life of me I can't remember what I was writing. My cousin and me in the pics, when we were babies and about four I guess.

My cousin, the one who knows me better than most, has been around longer than most, has experienced things that only her and I have-no one else knows or would understand. My cousin, the one who likes some things I like, the one I can go to a book store with a never feel a minute of guilt or rush because she breaths it like me.

My cousin, the one who has walked through more than I could ever imagine, never gives up hope and refocuses me when I get lost in small town America.

My cousin, simply amazing.

Surprises, From the Most Amazing Places

Sometimes things happen that you don't understand. Actually, alot of things happen that you don't understand. And you think life can't go on. And life goes on. And you are grateful.

Teaching my students about the Declaration of Independence, and why the colonists were motivated to create a government on their own has led us down the most amazing story. Trying to convey to them the importance of the freedoms we experience and are endowed with in America is quite funny. Freedom of speech, such a simple concept right? They think yes, right. So that led us to blogging. And I showed them how essentially I could write anything I wanted (not really about other people), and post it. My inner most thoughts if I wanted.

And then my friend/coworker walked in on the teaching-discussion, and helped me with some simple spelling (thank you so much friend. I needed to come off of the pedastal of oh so excellent speller :-) And that lead to the why haven't you posted? Well, I don't know. Been through a difficult time, separation, divorce, living on my own for the first time in my life, and I don't know how many of those thoughts do we want on the world wide web.

So, I thought I would reflect on the day job (thanks again friend). That is a safe place.

Here is a pic, our end of the year crawfish boil. Our cafeteria manager (so sweet hearted, always something encouraging to say), my coworker/friend of 10 years, our comedian-in-residence/secretary, our fashion leader (one of many), and my future coworker. I felt such apprehension on this day. My 10 year coworker was moving to the high school. I knew she had played with the thought for years and I understood that. Sometimes elementary teaching can be overwhelming, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, throw in some children and a husband, and a house to take care of, and I crash. It was like going from that secure place to something you don't know. When you work with someone a long time, you know them, know how they think, what they like, you know them. And the unknown is scary.

My "new" coworker. We had actually been working together for just as long, not in the same grade but known each other none the less and interacted like people do. We were all part of the upstairs group, and that made interaction more than most. I know I wasn't scared but maybe eager? And now after working six months or so, it is fine. Much less stress, a whole lot easy.

And the cafeteria lady. On a very usual day at the beginning of a new school year, she came around to our rooms and picked up our lunch bags, like she would always do. And she fell down the stairs and hit her head. A brain injury. An injury that we were terrified would take her away from us. But God didn't. She is here, she is okay, she is alive, and we are grateful.