Gut Wrenching, Horrible-Still Looking for Answers

This summer-unforgettable, traumatic, no words to describe. The summer started easy enough. A short three week stint at the local college, getting paid to go to school and learning a little bit more about science. Lots of fun.
Then, the last week of school my grandmother's sister became really sick. They said she had a heart attack in church. She spent the week in the hospital. A few days in ICU. Then she was stable enough and doing well enough to go in a regular room. I brought my grandmother up to see her every night. Feeling tired but devastated, wanting to make sure my grandmother had an opportunity to be with her. On the Wednesday (I think), my cousin called and said my aunt wanted to hear my uncle play his guitar, could he please go to her hospital room that evening and play. He did. I couldn't stay in the room. I thought it was too difficult. Knowing what I thought she knew was near. It was just too difficult.

As we finished school that Friday, I was so excited. Finally, the summer was just beginning. In the meantime, my grandfather's health had been getting worse. He was having trouble walking. Falling sometimes. We had called home health so that he could be offered services at home. The doctors had said he had arthiritis and it was causing him a lot of pain. My mother-in-law was also not doing well. She couldn't walk around anymore, needed help going to the restroom, and wasn't going to dialysis like she needed. She had come and spent a weekend with us at the beginning of the summer. Her and I woke up early in the morning and talked, just us, alone. I made coffee for her and toast bread. Gave her medicine (she took out the ones she didn't like). She told me she loved me and she knew I loved her family. It felt good and scary at the same time. Ever since I began to date her son, she had always seemed to like me. Then after our trip to Vietnam, there were things only her and I could talk about. Like we had a secret no one else understood. Seeing her unhealthy was hard, it was really overwhelming to realize she couldn't do all of the things for herself that she could before and how incompetent we were in helping her.

On that Friday afternoon, someone called and said she had threw up and passed out. I went to the trailer, then to the hospital, waiting with my brother-in-law. The doctor called us, said she had a stroke and there was bleeding in her brain. He said call the family. I think I refused to believe him at that point. It couldn't happen yet, not now. That evening they transferred her to Thibodaux, did surgery to relieve the blood in her brain, and then she was stable. The doctor seemed encouraged. No, she may not come home like she was but she could get better. It wasn't her time yet. We went home that morning about 2am. At about 6am, my aunt passed away.
On Monday, they buried my aunt. On Monday, I helped my grandfather walk to the restroom-he fell. I put him in the bed-he slept alot. The doctor's office called and said an x-ray of his back showed he had only arthiritis. I felt devastated. How could that be. He couldn't walk anymore. He was talking in another language, his words didn't make any sense. And this was arthiritis? I couldn't believe it. I told him I loved him that day and waited to hear the words come back. He said he loved me too.

I had also spent the days going to see my mother-in-law, in the morning, in the evening. Sitting there, talking to her, holding her hand, thanking God for healing her so we could take her home and take care of her. I know God is a miracle worker and I believed he would work a miracle on her. As the week went on, she began opening her eyes, and squeezing our hands. Every movement felt like a mountain, so encouraging. One day she played with a little cup my husband put by her hand, she kept trying to grab it with her fingers. We thought that told us she knew what was going on. It wasn't just reflexes. After about a week though, she quit responding. Something changed. My granfather was now paralyzed, waist down at this point. His legs wouldn't work at all. I was spending the days trying to help take care of him.

One week after the stroke, we brought my grandfather to the hospital, he said his chest and his head hurt. My mom called and said he had a mass on his left lung and a brain tumor. Later that day, they did a scan and discovered there was also spots all over his right lung, his colon, his liver, and his tail bone and hip bones had totally detoriated-gone, mush. That explains why he couldn't walk. I guess it took over the arthiritis!

By Wednesday, he couldn't eat anymore, he couldn't swallow. We were begging for pain medicine, not wanting him to hurt at all. He went to sleep and for the next week, every now and then he would wake up. Sometimes he would try and talk to us, sometimes he would just make funny faces, letting us know he knew who we were. On Saturday, they took my mother-in-law off of the machines and put her in her own room. We went to see her that night. I only stayed a minute. It was harder than I had thought it would be. I was still waiting for her to wake up and talk to me. She passed away about 2:30 that morning. We buried her on Wednesday. Some days I still think she is there, at the trailer, and I miss her so much. Just to hear her talk. Anything.

I can't imagine life without her, even now. It has been one month.

On Thursday morning, the day after burying my mother-in-law, my grandfather passed. I told him that evening before that she had gone to heaven, it was okay now. I loved him. For him to get some rest. The next morning, about 5:30am, he left too. I knew he had been sick and I had prayed for God to take him. I knew he was not living, and was in such pain. But now-there is this unbelievable void, an emptiness that can not be filled. A lost feeling. How do you function when you lose two people that was so significant in your life.

My grandfather, my hero, my world. He knew everything, could do anything, and loved me and my children so much. He never hurt us, not once. Not with words, or actions. Undying love. I keep trying to figure how to live my life without that.

My mother-in-law. I spent endless hours listening to her tell me stories. About Vietnam, my husband, his father, everything. How muched she loved the children. Unconditional love. Just to hear her talk, call my name-like she did, no one else could say it like her. How lost.
Two rocks, one summer, unconditional love.

It's Been Awhile

I can't remember the last time I journaled, or really even thought about something worthy enough to put on the world wide web. Life has been horribly hectic as always, and that makes enjoying life even more difficult. We are moved. There are only a few boxes left, mostly things that we don't need to live. Hannah has made friends, so far her life is nothing short of perfect. Khai rides his bike and makes his own make believe games. I think he enjoys it. I go home to see Maw and Paw everyday. I still miss them so much. When I talk to my grandmaw, she really listens, she always has. I love her and my grandfather so much. We are finished with state testing. The students seemed quiet confident, so I am eager to see the results.
My dear husband definitely enjoys living in the "city", his trips home are evidence of his enjoyment.
I did celebrate another birthday-thirty something. I passed on the whole opportunity to reflect and make sure I am where I want to be and all of that stuff. I figured it would probably send me into a mid-life crisis, so I just didn't do it. I thought it would be better if I was just thankful to be alive, and pretty healthy, with a healthy family, and to feel loved. As the day ended, I felt so loved, from family, friends, coworkers. Then I decided, life is good.
As I look back on all of the posts I have written, I realized that I hadn't mentioned much about my mom or posted her pic too many times. I think she is beautiful. I love her. We have finally reached a place in our life where we can talk calmly and connect. It is the most wonderful experience. My children adore her. She adores them. That is a wondrous blessing. We talk now. She asks me for honesty. I give it. She doesn't get offended. I say things that disagree with her thoughts but she doesn't get angry with me. I try really hard to respect her choices, even if I disagree with them, and try to be encouraging. She gives me support, and correction with direction when appropriate, but she never stops loving me. I guess it is the unconditional love thing, something I have looked for my whole life-I imagine most people do. She really is amazing. I just hope she understands what she means to me. She is MY mom, and that is the best feeling in the world.

My Grandparents

My Grandparents
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

My grandparents, where to start. Nursing my insomnia, I am drawn back to this day. My grandparents, my grandmother more light hearted, less responsibility, free-er (if there is such a word). My grandfather, seldom unusual, almost always himself, few hints of what is to come, still able to hold a conversation, tell a story, know family and relationships. Today, he is not the same man. He has been diagnosed with in stage dimensia, another word for the dreaded Alzheimer's. In all my logic, I can not think of a pleasant way to view the situation. After going to the funeral of a friend's aunt, she was only 68, and had only known 6 weeks ago that she had cancer, she passed away. So fast, gone, taken away from her family. I sit and look at her family wondering how are they going to survive without her. I can't imagine being so young and living without your mother. Feeling like a lost soul. And then I see my grandfather. And I ask myself, what is more important-the quantity of life or the quality of life? He used to make jokes about fishing. When you would ask him what would he do if he won the lottery, he would say, "Take a fishing pole and go down to Carencro (Bayou)." That was his happiness, down the bayou, fishing. Now he is the man who knows he may not be able to find his way home, so he doesn't go. No fishing, no boat, no bayous. Even though I have said it before, I feel as if I have lost a best friend without ever realizing it. And now that we have moved, I don't wake up and see their home anymore. We have only gone across the river but it feels as if we live in another state. He sits everyday and waits for us to come home. I don't know how people live away from family, I find it gut-wrenching. It makes life so much more empty. Their is no price for the interaction of children (and adults) with other family (especially grandparents). I miss them.

Aliens

Aliens
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

As I write I realize that I kind of became stuck on my trip. Living a dream, sometimes a person can talk too much. Life in the real world (today) is very hectic. We have finished painting and have started moving, at least half of our belongings. As we move a little more each day, I realize how big the walls are in my house and the rooms. My grandfather hasn't been to visit, I don't know if it is because it makes him so sad or it is his health. He is really having trouble breathing. A smoker his whole life, I am assuming he has emphysema. I know where this is heading but I rather my method of denial. I am tired of boxing, coming to the realization that I have entirely too much "don't use, don't need" stuff. I am determined to cleanse myself of my belongings.
Work is interesting as ever. We are two weeks away from state testing. As it gets closer, I am reminded of the pressure. Do you people feel this type of pressure in other jobs? The students are some of the strongest students I have ever taught. Realistically I am confident that they are going to do great. However, there is always that self question of what if I forgot to teach them something?
Back to the trip.
I have to regress a bit. In the mist of my lifelong dream, an unusual creature emerged. I have to describe my mother-in-law. Ever since the day I met her, she has been the most wonderful person. I have always been amazed by how blessed I am. I have heard horror stories from friends, colleques, etc. about mothers-in-law. But not mine, she was simply an angel. Kind hearted, sweet, loving, compassionate, wonderful. Welllllll, after arriving in Vietnam, getting in the van, with the family. Oh big note here-the van. This was a van, a four row seat van. Probably, normal capacity of 13 (and I think that is stretching it). When we all began to get into the van (after loading 6 pieces of luggage-the big ones), there were 21 PEOPLE!!!!!! It seemed to defy everything possible. And never a word of complaint.
Back to mother-in-law. After being in the van, maybe 10 minutes, she began to fuss, attack, belittle, my oldest sister-in-law. She had told me on the way to Vietnam that she was not happy because the sil had not made her children write letters to their grandmother. I guess that was a sign of disrespect. So, as we have just arrived in the van, the first time she has seen her family in 30 years, she is FUSSING. I could not understand what she was saying but I was able to pick out words here and there enough to gather she was gripping about the letter writing. My sister-in-law just sat there. Never said a word. She actually smiled at me. I looked at her with astonishment. Still, no response. As if I was getting denied a piece of the let me show everyone how much of a queen I am, she then took a couple of yelling spurts at me. In the 16 years I have known this woman, she has never said a cross word to me, raised her voice, nothing that could be construed as hostile, aggravated, nothing. I remember asking her something, she yelled. Began to fuss. I wanted to die, shrink into the floor or blow up. I have never felt such humiliation.
I believed an alien hade overtaken this precious, sweet, kind, angel of a lady that I had always known. And it was just the beginning.
Now, let's skip ahead to some interesting things.
After being in country for a week, I wanted to visit my friend, my coworker. She was definitely a lifeline. The only person besides my alien mother-in-law who could speak english. And I was hoping she could enlighten me on what had overtaken my mother-in-law. My nephew took me to visit her. Her family lived in Vung Tau, right on the coast. Beautiful homes, I then really realized how poor my family was. There is a huge gap in living standards. While at her family's home, they came in with these creatures. A shrimp like, sort of creature. I call them aliens. I have never seen anything that they look even slightly similar to. They boiled them. My friend had brought crab boil and seasoning from the states and I ATE THEM! Yes, I ate the aliens. And they were good, very good. At home, I am a bit on the very, very, very conservative side when it comes to food. But, when I touched down in Southeast Asia, I think I was overtaken by something else. I tried everything. And I walked away with some new food discoveries. What I would give right now for mang cut (mangosteen), this wonderfully sweet fruit. They can not be shipped to the US. Can go to Canada but not old US of A. A pity I tell you.

My

My
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

My Trip Journal continues.
My nephew My (pronounced me), the biggest surprise. Before going to Vietnam, I never thought very much about the family there. We would occassionaly receive pictures, and a phone call to my mother-in-law a couple of times a year but I didn't know any names, just the oldest brother. And I did not even begin to think about the extended family. Was I in for a surprise!
After we arrived, we immediately went to my oldest brother's youngest son's house to get him. He wasn't ready, so we just continued on to Ba Ria. After a few minutes, an older nephew, with another young man, arrived on a motor scooter next to us. In 1994, a niece and a nephew had both gotten married in Vietnam, they had sent pictures to us. I had looked through the pictures a hundred times trying to figure out who was Anh Hue's children (he has six).
There was one young man in the pictures who I could not figure out who he was. He was always smiling, seeming to have the most fun, looked very young, and different.
So, back to the scooter. There on the scooter was the mystery man/boy. I immediately recognized him. I couldn't believe he was Anh Hue's youngest son. His name is My, it means American in Vietnamese. The funniest thing is that he looks American (whatever that means). I guess a better way of saying it is, he doesn't look Vietnamese. He smiled alot.

We continue on to Anh Hue's house in Ba Ria. I can definitely say that first trip was one of astonishment. The traffic, nothing short of pandomonium. Everyone driving, no lanes, no redlights, just a continuous blowing horn to warn people to get out of the way. It was wild!

And the further away from Saigon we got, the more beautiful the countryside. Green, a green like I have never seen in the states. Mountains, beautiful mountains.

After arriving in Ba Ria, we went to find food. Rice and pork chops, the most delicious dish. While Ms. Thi was eating, my nephew took me to an internet cafe, and I had the opportunity to email my family. At this point, I could not fathom that I was actually there.

We went home to Anh Hue's house. And then we all sat around and visited. I just sat and tried to learn everyone's name. There is nothing funnier than an American trying to pronounce Vietnamese names, an American who deosn't speak the language anyway. A family reunion. I sat ther looking at the walls of Anh Hue's house thinking I can't believe I am here.

What a Sweet View!

DSC01743
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Since my insomnia is in control, I will keep writing.

We began our airplane trip in New Orleans to Houston to Seattle to Taipei to Saigon. My mother-in-law needed a wheelchair, which made the boarding the airplane very easy. We were always the first to get on and the last to get off. The flights were as fun as flights could be. Feeling that power as the plane takes off, the view, the landing. It was an amazing experience, observing everyone, sleeping on the plane, eating the airline food, all of it. I was meant to be a traveler.

After 27 hours, we arrived in Vietnam. I remember first seeing green when I knew we were over the country, it was the most beautiful green I had ever seen. Even thinking back to it now, it seems as if it was a dream. The airport was interesting. Nothing short of pandemonium, so many people, so many packages/luggage. Crazy. My mother-in-law was in a wheelchair, I had our carry on luggage (all of my cameras included), and trying to find 4 massive suitcases (70 pounds each). It was a bit scary. Oh, and when you enter and go through I guess what is customs for Vietnam, they ask for the address where you will be staying. Guess what? I had no IDEA! I had never wrote down an address, and then facing this man in a army uniform, I felt my blood pressure go up and the sweat begin to pour. Pure blessing, they let us go and said my brother-in-law would have to bring something back to them. Whew!

We made it through the airport and all of the lines. Thankfully for the wheelchair, it provided a bit of a rush. Finally, we were walking out of the doors into a wall of people. I can imagine now what celebrities must feel like, except these people were not cheering, just looking. And then out of the blue, our family came. My sisters-in-law first, they ran to my mother-in-law and then came hug me. I recognized them. And then, I began to make this really weird whimpering sound, like I can't believe this is happening sound. A sound of the purest pleasure and excitement. I don't think I knew what else to do. I was experiencing this journey that I had spent sooooo many days fantasizing about, watching tv of other people experiencing it but it was my turn. At that point, I thing true fear gripped me. I then realized that I could not speak, I could not communicate. For a person that loves to talk, that means death. At that point I had to rely on my travel companion. A companion who was not happy (yes, not happy, if a person can imagine such a thing) and probably having a nicotine fit. So, I broke out with my journal and pen and asked a sister-in-law to write their names-a beginning.

Road in Ba Ria, Vietnam

Vietnam Road in Ba Ria, Vietnam
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

As I battle my insomnia, I have found that writing feels good. So, I will continue my mind emptying journal of my vacation to the land of everything green. I had my passport, now I could look forward to really going. I began packing, reading, and packing some more. I made a trip and bought huge amounts of candy (I thought the children would really enjoy it), enough cracker snacks for a month (if I ate one a day), towels (surprise, surprise), toilet paper (just a precaution), and medicine. Before I went, my biggest concern was food. My mother-in-law cooks Vietnamese dishes all of the time. However, in the 18 years I have known her, I have only adapted to eating two-pho and spring rolls. I definitely thought I would starve to death. Yes, I know that is a bit close minded but I really had no idea what to expect (was I ever going to be surprised). I packed clothes (to give away)-that was two suitcases.
In retrospect, I realize how much time I spent packing when there were other things I should have been concerned about. One-I did not know how to speak the language and could not understand anything. I knew how to count in Vietnamese and understood the words for "say" and "go". But nothing else. I also did not know anyone's name. I knew my brothers-in-laws' names, but I was mispronouncing that. I should have tried to learn something.
I never thought any where past landing on the ground in Vietnam. I didn't think about what I would do with my days, how I would communicate, getting to know the family, nothing. Just placing my feet on the ground, that would have been enough. I did have one worry-how would my mother-in-law make it through leaving them again and knowing that she would never see them again. Once she left Vietnam, we knew her health would not permit her to return. That thought made me ill, it was very hard to process.
Finally, departure day arrived. Dear husband took me to the airport and daughter came too. I didn't want her to come, I thought it would be too hard to leave her. Son was sleeping, and I kissed him bye. The airport was exciting, just the experience in itself was a journey. Before we left my husband, he told me, " I hope you find what you are looking for." I definitely thought, I hope I do too. Daughter gave me her little blue blanket (it is just a piece of leftover cloth she had gotten from my grandmother when she was very little. She would use it for her baby dolls), and told me to take it just in case I got lonesome. That was hard. I cried. Note-yes, I cry for everything. But I couldn't stop. It was horrible.
Since giving birth to my children, they are what I live for. Sometimes, I second guess myself on just how important they are to me. I know what I think in my head, their well being and happiness is more important to me than anything else in the world. When I left my daughter at the airport, it felt like a 100% confirmation of that feeling. At that moment, I promised myself never to leave her or her brother again. It was just too hard.

Happy Me

happyme
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

It's been awhile. We are moving ( I have sort of mentioned this before). As we are on vacation for Mardi Gras, we have been consumed by the new, renter's house. Painting, painting, and painting some more. As I paint, which I ironically find quite relaxing, I fantasize about people in the world who never have the opportunity to paint, or are just rich enough to pay people to paint for them. I think they are missing therapy. I actually do enjoy the painting, especially the trimming.

Life has been kind of busy, as usual. I took the children to a parade today, finally. I only realized that I really don't care for all of the hoopla. Daughter really enjoyed it a lot. She is very outgoing, extrovert. Dear son, on the other hand, did not. Through out the whole parade, he sat on my lap holding my thumbs. He reminds me so much of myself when I was young. I find it really surprising. But, they experienced the parade and now they have beads to litter the floor until I through them in the garbage.

My picture, me in Vietnam. I think my family has definitely gotten tired of hearing about it but I am reminded if I don't write about my trip, I will definitely forget some things I never want to forget. When I reflect on my trip, I don't know where to start if I wanted to talk about it. Because my husband is a by product of the war, Amerasian, and was born in Saigon, I have always had the desire to see the country. To see the place of his birth, where his mother and father lived together as a family, where his brothers still are. I had read every bit of literature I could handle, done term papers in high school and in college on Vietnam, and dreamed. The thought of ever actually going seemed impossible. I talked about, I knew people who went, friends and students, but for me to go-just a dream.

Finally, two of my coworkers were going back in the summer of 05. Their family lived in the same province as my brothers-in-law. With them in country, I knew I would have English speaking friends, a comfort. My mother-in-law was in poor health. Her kidneys only getting worse. She had not been back in thirty years. We, as a family, knew that the opportunity for her to visit was getting shorter. If it was going to happen, it had to happen soon. I pleaded my desire to my husband, knowing very well to finance a trip was asking a bit much. Not to mention, who would take care of my children while I went on this trip around the world. I began working a second job at night, cleaning buildings, trying to make extra money for my trip. For the work I was doing, the money was not equivalent. And the only thing I learned was that I was glad to have a degree so I didn't have to do a manuel labor job.

About two weeks before my friend's departure date, my husband surprised me with a check. I cried and cried and cried. I really thought I was hallucinating. My greatest dream, he made come true. My children, my mom agreed to come and stay with my husband and my children for the month I would be gone and take care of them. A sacrifice. My friend took me to New Orleans to buy our tickets. We would be leaving two days after her. Then, my husband and I went to get my passport in New Orleans. I never stopped smiling. I think the people in the passport office even thought I was crazy because I was smiling so much. And then when I told them I was going to Vietnam, they really looked at me funny. That was one of the happiest days of my life.

Ricky and Aunt Frances

Ricky and Aunt Frances
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Time for reflection always seems peculiar. I have this picture of my husband and his aunt, his father's youngest sister. On this day, we had gone to meet them in Gulf Shores for their annual/semi-annual vacation. We just drove down for the day. It was so beautiful. I snapped this pic while Rick was walking toward the beach with Aunt Frances. It just seemed perfect. Aunt Frances is his father's sister. His father that he never knew, but the one who knew him. I remember always watching Ricky with our children when they were the age I knew he was before his father passed away thinking, he knew his father like this. Our children adore him, and I am sure he was the same with his father. He describes growing up and always feeling as if someone was there with him, he believes his father. He and his brothers have grown up and stayed healthy, not in trouble, avoiding many of the pitfalls that we have watched friends get involved in. None of them have ever had a broken bone, needed surgery for anything, had to be put in the hospital for a sickness. They have ended up on the good side of fortune. Graduating from high school, staying out of the drug scene, healthy children, well liked. They grew up in a very rough part of town. It seems miraculous to me that their path has stayed good. I always believed there was someone watching over them.
On the other side of the picture, Ricky has two aunts, a family. Although millions of people in the world have extended families, some don't. I believe that leaves us with extended families most often taking it for granted and not realizing what we have, as compared to what others do not. For many years, Ricky did not have a relationship with all of his father's family. As a child, they went to Alabama and visited and met some relatives, but only once. Every once and awhile he would receive a letter from his aunt. I remember meeting him and always asking questions, too many I am sure. Always being amazed how he saw himself as Vietnamese, not American. It bothered me. I saw the story more along the lines of your father loved you enough to bring your family to America, not leave you in Vietnam because you were that important to him. You are American, and embraced more than you know. When the children were three, we took a trip to Alabama to meet some of his family. We had the opportunity to meet his father's younger sister, along with an amazingly huge, extended family. I truly believe both he and Howard (the little brother) were astounded and confirmed. It was the best feeling in the world. For both of them to be face to face with the other side of who they were, and realize that they were loved. I remember a particular memory from that visit. He had always told me about a baby picture of him, laying on his belly, smiling. I had even tried to recreate the picture with Hannah. He said when he was in grade school, he had brought the picture to school for Christmas and never received it back. His Aunt Frances brought a small photo album. When she opened it, there were pictures of his father and him, and that beautiful smiling baby picture. All of the pictures were in perfect condition, pictures his father had sent to his sister when he passed away. I felt breathless. Since that first visit, we have been to Alabama a few times, visited his aunts, stood where his father stood. His family has come to Louisiana, visited our home, celebrated a birthday together even. Some days it still amazes me to see the man he was when I met him and the man he has become. The one so unsure, and now the one so confident, embrazing his American "side", his other family. Realizing that he is like so many of his friends. He has cousins, he has aunts and uncles, he is loved. If there can be an even more amazing addition to the whole story, his family is wondeful. They are kind, good, loving people. I am always astounded by the fact that of the billions of people in the world, God gave us this family. How blessed we are. Amazing, simply amazing.

Son at Christmas

Son at Christmas
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Here is my nephew, Son. When my husband and I first got together, Son was only 6 or 7. Now 17 years later, it seems really weird seeing him all grown up. We would go and get him many weekends, taking him to the park, or to the movies. He was always quiet, good, respectful, funny. Just a good kid. As a young man, he still comes home to see banoi, alot. Still sweet.

We are moving, hopefully. In the process of selling our house and moving to the city across the river. I have to pack an endless amount of material. The ability for a person to acquire "things" is truly amazing. Every day I come home, look at the boxes, look at my home, and think, I'll just wait until tomorrow. Growing up, we moved alot. Not just a little, like a few times, but a lot. If my mom was upset with my stepdad, we moved. And he would come and woo her back, and so we moved back. There was never a second thought on moving. So, I think I am permanently scarred from moving. It gives me a scary feeling in the pit of my stomach, the idea of moving. Yes, I know, crazy but uneasy still.

Another side of moving. My grandparents live across the street from me. One of my greatest happinesses moving to our current location was because we would be living across from my grandparents. I love them so much. And have always felt the closer I am to them, the better. I talk to my grandmother everyday. She is one of my best friends. She loves my children just like she loves me. And treats them the same also. 

My grandfather, before he was sick, could create the best conversations. He would remember everything. And the best story teller. Funny, so funny. And details. We would talk about family, all families, how people were related and where they came from. Everything. Nothing malicious. Just a love for family. I loved talking to my grandfather, about history, his memories growing up, about the war, storms, shrimping. With his growing older and the disease that has taken his mind, I have lost him. I can't remember the last normal conversation I had with him or when he seemed to slip away. Now we talk but it is me trying to understand what he is talking about. And most of the time his words don't come. If it is a noun, he doesn't know it. So, you have to try and figure out what he is saying. It is frustrating for us, and sometimes for him. 

My grandfather, my idol. He has always been the constant in my life. Always there, always dependable, never leaving. His word is his life. My hero.

And so, I am scared to move. He walks to my house everyday. Not for me but for my children, to see them. Just as my cousins and I were his life, my children are now. He spoiled them. They are too young to realize the jewel that he has been. He doesn't talk much anymore and can't keep up with Khai like he used too. I am scared he will feel too lost without us here. My grandmother says it is making him sick to see us move. I will come home everyday to see him. I just hope he can remember the way to my new house.

He is a Great Daddy!

Another Sweet Baby

Ethan
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

It has been awhile. Life is a little more than busy, crazy, wild. Work is the same unending race. I wonder how many live this way with their job or how many people actually have a calm, slow, 100% enjoyable, relaxing day at work. Don't misunderstand. Work is enjoyable most of the time. The children are wonderful and watching them discover things is the most amazing thing in the world, especially when they are succeeding. But sometimes, there is too much to do and not enough time. Right now we are battling some type of virus, cough epidemic. We have so many children absent, including my own. Coughing, fever, feeling yucky. Hoping for a little bit more healthy.
We have also had the pleasure to welcome another baby to our extensive set of friends. Congratulations B & B on your beautiful baby boy! He is precious. At this wonderful time, I sit back and reflect on the days when I would pray to God that you would be blessed with one baby, at the least, and now God has given you two beautiful angels. It is the most amazing thing. I eagerly look forward to watching them grow, and you enjoying them.
My mother-in-law is still in the hospital. She began dialysis last week. A bit weary with this procedure. Not sure how her life will change now and what does it hold for us. When a loved one is sick, you realize how much you take for granted when they are healthy. Today, I would give anything to see her home and sitting up and talking to us, anything. I am really struggling with the idea that the doctors may not be able to give her medicine to make her better. I am praying.
I went to church Sunday and had a very enjoyable time. Every service I am amazed by the stories in the Bible. It is the most interesting book. There seem to be stories about everything, and I have read only a few. I am thankful for this new walk.
Yesterday, my mom's family got together and had our first batch of crawfish this season. They were pretty good. It was really kind of weird. We got together at my grandmother's house, which was also my great-grandmother's house, the only house I ever remember my great-grandmother living in. Since I had a memory, my cousin and I (AR) would play there together. Her family lived next door to my great grandmother and my great-grandmother was her grandmother. She was the baby grandchild and my great-grandmother's favorite. We would play all the time. She used to have a clothes line in the yard that we would do flips on, it is gone now. The yard used to be so big, it seemed. My cousin would do cart wheels and all kinds of "tricks". I couldn't even do a cartwheel. It is funny to remember now. And yesterday, seeing all of our family there, together, just seemed really weird to think this house had been there for so long, and we had created all of these family memories there, and we keep on creating, now with our own children. My daughter slept in my grandmother's bed most of the day. Even that was weird to lay in the room and look at all of the little knickknacks my grandmother has. The whole experience was a really good feeling.

Do you believe in miracles?

Morning Sunrise
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

It has been a couple of days since my last post. Mostly I look for pictures to go with my message. If I can't find a picture, then I save the message.
We had a friend get into a hunting accident about a week and a half ago. The guy was shot in the back of the head with a 22 by a very close friend of ours, which is also the young man's cousin. He made it to the hospital, through surgery, and has been critical for the past week. A couple of days ago he finally opened his eyes and has begun responding, by shaking his head, to his family. It surely is a miracle right before our eyes. The bullet entered the back of his head right above the hole in a baseball cap and went through his head stopping behind his nasal cavity. He lost alot of blood. But he is ALIVE and RESPONDING. The amount of prayers really seemed endless. I spoke to my cousin on Sunday, told her what had happened, asked her to please pray. She said she prayed for the young man and his family. She went to church. In the middle of church service, the pastor stopped and told them to think about everything they had done this morning. She said she thought about talking to me and praying again for the young man and his family. She prayed again. And today he is awake, his eyes are open, and he is responding. I know my cousin was not the only person praying for him. I know there has to be hundreds of people praying for him. It is just such a confirmation of God's power in this world. How could anyone doubt his power? We know that everything that happens in a life is already predetermined, God knows it all already. For such a tragedy to happen to such a wonderful young man, there must be something powerful to come out of this. I am eager to see what God has in store for this young man and his family. May everyone of them be blessed beyond belief.
On a different note, a very big CONGRATULATIONS to B & B on the birth of your baby boy! He is a handsome fella. We had two very close friends give birth to their babies exactly two weeks apart. The funniest thing is that the fathers grew up as best friends and now they have two little guys the same age. The newest baby is a cutie, blond peach fuzz, dimple in his chin like his dad, chubby cheeks, blue eyes, and strong. He is precious. Hats off to his mom for doing such an awesome job! I remember praying so many times for you to be blessed with a baby and to think now God has blessed you with two! WOW.
I am still battling the insomnia problem. Normal sleep seems like such a joke. After staying up for so long, I am scared to go to sleep because I know I will over sleep, be late for work, be tired all day and only thing about coming home to go and take a nap. Does the cycle ever end?

Grandmaw Johnson

Grandmaw Johnson
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Today is my Grandmaw's birthday. She is 77. She is the mother of five, grandmother of nine, and great grandmother of nine. Wow! It is amazing. She is the grandmother that took us in when I was 4. I remember living in the projects with her, along with my uncle, and two aunts. She was the amazing person that took care of my uncle after he got into a life changing wreck that broke his neck. I remember sleeping on a mattress on the floor with her. The rest of the family had taken the bedrooms. My grandmother has never been mean to me, always encouraging, loving, understanding. I remember being a child and wondering how everyone else could have a talent but not me. And she told me, you have a talent, you just might not know what it is yet. It was some of the most amazing words I had ever heard. She represents strength and perserverence to me. Always proving that no matter what life gives to you, you can make it. And even if life gives you a few unexpected things, it is okay, it is part of the deal. She makes the best potato salad. It is my absolute favorite. In case you don't know maw, I love you and admire you a whole lot. Love your granddaughter.

Grandparents-Grandchidren

My mom and Khai. She has always been right there with him (and Hannah). He is especially spoiled to her too. To watch your parent with your children has to be the most amazing feeling in the world. No matter your childhood, there is something about grandparents and grandchildren. They act silly with them, they play with them (any game), they spoil them horribly, they take up for them. The list really is endless. My mom and Khai. He loves her so much, unconditionally. It really is amazing.
Hannah and Khai swimming at Howard's. This is one of my favorite pictures of them of all time. Somehow I managed to forget it on the Christmas card (I think). When they are together, they can be so sweet. But sometimes, sweet goes out the door. The begin to fight and he antogonizes her and of course, she can't stay calm enough to deal with him. And myself, being an only child, I can't understand the fighting situation. Open to suggestions.

The Rose

The Rose
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Hannah is in pursuit of the perfect project for the 4-H Fair. I sent her out, with the camera, and told her, just take some pics. She came back with this. It left me speechless and smiling. I think it is an awesome picture. The rose looks so magnificent, alone, compared to the background. I don't think she thinks it is as good. She is still in pursuit of the perfect project. She worries me. She gets very "stressed" over simple things. Very bent out of shape over simple things. She reminds me of myself, and I can take a step back and look at this personability problem and I know that I don't like it. Yet, I don't know how to calm her down and let her realize that everything does not have to ge a big deal.
Today my students did an activity with soil. It worked really well. They discovered that not all soils release the same amount of water, which leads them to the question of which soil is better for your house and your plants. I am excited about our lesson tomorrow. Praying they will get it and bring it to a higher level.
Hannah and I went to church Sunday. A new church. She really enjoyed the children's service. So excited when we left. I was quiet stunned. I enjoyed the service too. I think it is the beginning of a new walk.

Sau and Khai

Sau and Khai
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Sau and Khai. My father-in-law. Really a surprise. As my mother-in-law has been quiet sick this week, in the hospital. Sau has stayed with her every night. Most of the time he spends alot of time with this friends, so it is really surprising to see him with her like this. It confirms what I have always thought, he really loves her.
We have ended the work week. I pretty good week. The students are really hard working, and quite respectful. I really do enjoy teaching them. I think I want to persue a master's in Library Science. It definitely has always been one of my dreams, and now I think I am ready for it.

My Grandfather, My Son

DSC01268
Originally uploaded by rogenadel.

Today, Thursday, one day closer to Friday and over the hump. My body craves sleep. No matter the day or situation, I can't seem to get enough. So tired. And then the sleep is disturbed with dreams, never ending dreams. Thoughts, deep thoughts, long ago thoughts. Thoughts I may never consider during my waking hours, but thoughts that visit me in my dreams. Every night I dream, like a never ending storybook, sometimes good but more often not. Maybe an afternoon nap will make tonight's story better.
My grandfather and my son. A picture from a few years back. K seems to have come out of some kind of shell the last couple of days. He is very vocal, as opposed to before. He is listening intently with his ears and commenting on everything people say. He is very observant, playing alot of make believe with his toys, and being very creative. I am surprised and a bit taken aback as this is a little out of character for him but unbelievably interested to see how this will lead to the adult he will become. My grandfather, a shell of the man he once was. I adore him.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Christmas Vacation is Over

Tomorrow is return to work day. No students but lots of teachers. We have been on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks and it has been quiet nice. My darling son has become more attached, if that is at all possible. I have become spoiled to the afternoon nap and my darling daughter has expired at least twenty games on her new computer. Now, we work toward the final push before state testing. It feels as if the weight of the world is on our shoulders until the results come in.
Vietnam-the phones still aren't working. The youngest brother, who lives on a mountain-a very beautiful mountain, has a phone that keeps a permanent busy signal. I am worried after the typhoon that hit the area, if they are okay. And we have a new great nephew, and I really want to know his name. Congratulations Tan and Ut on your baby boy! Co Gena chuc khoe nhieu cho gia dinh!

What a Gift!

Today one of the most amazing things happened, some really good friends welcomed a brand new little fellow into their lives. He is just beautiful, with a good set of lungs and pretty soft hair. How exciting to watch and observe a family connecting. It seems even more fun to watch someone else experience the whole pregnancy phenomenon. Thinking about the idea of a C-section, the cutting of tissue, muscle, is very disturbing. It leaves a very uneasy and nervous feeling. When everything is done, it still seems pretty amazing.

First Try

Where am I headed?

My first post. Trying to figure things out. Not sure where life leads. Wanting to make it a good trip. No regrets. No lost dreams. Interested. Intrigued. Confused. Lost. Angry. Excited. Hopeful.