Still Trying

Sunday morning, after a week of vacation for Thanksgiving. Feeling as unmotivated as a snail on an uphill climb. The week has been far from pleasant, so unpleasant, turmoil, tears, and unsettled sleep. Unproductive in the most horrible way. Can't figure out most days if I am coming or going.
I have the most foul mood and it has been lingering for days. I can't quite figure out where it came from because I would surely send it back just as quickly. Even with the holiday season upon us my only thought is still, Lord let this time pass quickly. What if I had more money to buy presents? Would that bring a sense of "happiness" and calm? Uhhhmmmm, no it wouldn't. I know then I would anguish myself over rather or not it is the right gift, useful, blah blah blah.

What if my family was complete in one way or another? Would that answer my mood? No, I wouldn't trust him (whoever him may be), and I would still not be satisfied because the "situation" is not right. I think I will take this living arrangement then. I do not lose sleep over one person or another in my house being happy or satisfied. I do not concern myself with whether or not my actions are pleasing to another. My only concern is for my children and no matter any of the above circumstances, I would be concerned with all aspects of their life and how I affected it.

I have spent some of this vacation purging my storage totes. It started out as a Christmas material search but ended as a look back in time search. I found the tote with all of my wedding materials in it. So I started purging, and purging, and purging. I found a most disturbing journal entry. I wrote this during the spring of 96, before I was married and I was still in college. I was worried that I wasn't going to finish college, life was so difficult (if I only knew), dealing with my parents was difficult too. Yet, the most creapy think of all was at the very end of the journal entry. I was complaining of the idiot's job. He was in the jailer position and they were confirming and reassuring him that he would soon be on the road. I shared that I was worried that he would be unfaithful (what the he!!), he would be presented with an opportunity and would be WEAK. Oh sweet everything that is good and faithful in this world, how could I have had such thoughts about a person I was less than six months from marrying? And if I was having those thoughts, why in the world did I marry him anyway? Was that a prominition or just a thought because of something that had already happened and for the life of me I can't even imagine anything that had happened at that point in our lives. My heart was pure and I was walking into this agreement with the more confidence than I had ever felt about anything else in my life.

Is this God's way of telling me this is what it was all along even though I didn't even know it? I pray for guidance and forgiveness.