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I can't remember the last time I journaled, or really even thought about something worthy enough to put on the world wide web. Life has been horribly hectic as always, and that makes enjoying life even more difficult. We are moved. There are only a few boxes left, mostly things that we don't need to live. Hannah has made friends, so far her life is nothing short of perfect. Khai rides his bike and makes his own make believe games. I think he enjoys it. I go home to see Maw and Paw everyday. I still miss them so much. When I talk to my grandmaw, she really listens, she always has. I love her and my grandfather so much. We are finished with state testing. The students seemed quiet confident, so I am eager to see the results.
My dear husband definitely enjoys living in the "city", his trips home are evidence of his enjoyment.
I did celebrate another birthday-thirty something. I passed on the whole opportunity to reflect and make sure I am where I want to be and all of that stuff. I figured it would probably send me into a mid-life crisis, so I just didn't do it. I thought it would be better if I was just thankful to be alive, and pretty healthy, with a healthy family, and to feel loved. As the day ended, I felt so loved, from family, friends, coworkers. Then I decided, life is good.
As I look back on all of the posts I have written, I realized that I hadn't mentioned much about my mom or posted her pic too many times. I think she is beautiful. I love her. We have finally reached a place in our life where we can talk calmly and connect. It is the most wonderful experience. My children adore her. She adores them. That is a wondrous blessing. We talk now. She asks me for honesty. I give it. She doesn't get offended. I say things that disagree with her thoughts but she doesn't get angry with me. I try really hard to respect her choices, even if I disagree with them, and try to be encouraging. She gives me support, and correction with direction when appropriate, but she never stops loving me. I guess it is the unconditional love thing, something I have looked for my whole life-I imagine most people do. She really is amazing. I just hope she understands what she means to me. She is MY mom, and that is the best feeling in the world.
My grandparents, where to start. Nursing my insomnia, I am drawn back to this day. My grandparents, my grandmother more light hearted, less responsibility, free-er (if there is such a word). My grandfather, seldom unusual, almost always himself, few hints of what is to come, still able to hold a conversation, tell a story, know family and relationships. Today, he is not the same man. He has been diagnosed with in stage dimensia, another word for the dreaded Alzheimer's. In all my logic, I can not think of a pleasant way to view the situation. After going to the funeral of a friend's aunt, she was only 68, and had only known 6 weeks ago that she had cancer, she passed away. So fast, gone, taken away from her family. I sit and look at her family wondering how are they going to survive without her. I can't imagine being so young and living without your mother. Feeling like a lost soul. And then I see my grandfather. And I ask myself, what is more important-the quantity of life or the quality of life? He used to make jokes about fishing. When you would ask him what would he do if he won the lottery, he would say, "Take a fishing pole and go down to Carencro (Bayou)." That was his happiness, down the bayou, fishing. Now he is the man who knows he may not be able to find his way home, so he doesn't go. No fishing, no boat, no bayous. Even though I have said it before, I feel as if I have lost a best friend without ever realizing it. And now that we have moved, I don't wake up and see their home anymore. We have only gone across the river but it feels as if we live in another state. He sits everyday and waits for us to come home. I don't know how people live away from family, I find it gut-wrenching. It makes life so much more empty. Their is no price for the interaction of children (and adults) with other family (especially grandparents). I miss them.
As I write I realize that I kind of became stuck on my trip. Living a dream, sometimes a person can talk too much. Life in the real world (today) is very hectic. We have finished painting and have started moving, at least half of our belongings. As we move a little more each day, I realize how big the walls are in my house and the rooms. My grandfather hasn't been to visit, I don't know if it is because it makes him so sad or it is his health. He is really having trouble breathing. A smoker his whole life, I am assuming he has emphysema. I know where this is heading but I rather my method of denial. I am tired of boxing, coming to the realization that I have entirely too much "don't use, don't need" stuff. I am determined to cleanse myself of my belongings.
Work is interesting as ever. We are two weeks away from state testing. As it gets closer, I am reminded of the pressure. Do you people feel this type of pressure in other jobs? The students are some of the strongest students I have ever taught. Realistically I am confident that they are going to do great. However, there is always that self question of what if I forgot to teach them something?
Back to the trip.
I have to regress a bit. In the mist of my lifelong dream, an unusual creature emerged. I have to describe my mother-in-law. Ever since the day I met her, she has been the most wonderful person. I have always been amazed by how blessed I am. I have heard horror stories from friends, colleques, etc. about mothers-in-law. But not mine, she was simply an angel. Kind hearted, sweet, loving, compassionate, wonderful. Welllllll, after arriving in Vietnam, getting in the van, with the family. Oh big note here-the van. This was a van, a four row seat van. Probably, normal capacity of 13 (and I think that is stretching it). When we all began to get into the van (after loading 6 pieces of luggage-the big ones), there were 21 PEOPLE!!!!!! It seemed to defy everything possible. And never a word of complaint.
Back to mother-in-law. After being in the van, maybe 10 minutes, she began to fuss, attack, belittle, my oldest sister-in-law. She had told me on the way to Vietnam that she was not happy because the sil had not made her children write letters to their grandmother. I guess that was a sign of disrespect. So, as we have just arrived in the van, the first time she has seen her family in 30 years, she is FUSSING. I could not understand what she was saying but I was able to pick out words here and there enough to gather she was gripping about the letter writing. My sister-in-law just sat there. Never said a word. She actually smiled at me. I looked at her with astonishment. Still, no response. As if I was getting denied a piece of the let me show everyone how much of a queen I am, she then took a couple of yelling spurts at me. In the 16 years I have known this woman, she has never said a cross word to me, raised her voice, nothing that could be construed as hostile, aggravated, nothing. I remember asking her something, she yelled. Began to fuss. I wanted to die, shrink into the floor or blow up. I have never felt such humiliation.
I believed an alien hade overtaken this precious, sweet, kind, angel of a lady that I had always known. And it was just the beginning.
Now, let's skip ahead to some interesting things.
After being in country for a week, I wanted to visit my friend, my coworker. She was definitely a lifeline. The only person besides my alien mother-in-law who could speak english. And I was hoping she could enlighten me on what had overtaken my mother-in-law. My nephew took me to visit her. Her family lived in Vung Tau, right on the coast. Beautiful homes, I then really realized how poor my family was. There is a huge gap in living standards. While at her family's home, they came in with these creatures. A shrimp like, sort of creature. I call them aliens. I have never seen anything that they look even slightly similar to. They boiled them. My friend had brought crab boil and seasoning from the states and I ATE THEM! Yes, I ate the aliens. And they were good, very good. At home, I am a bit on the very, very, very conservative side when it comes to food. But, when I touched down in Southeast Asia, I think I was overtaken by something else. I tried everything. And I walked away with some new food discoveries. What I would give right now for mang cut (mangosteen), this wonderfully sweet fruit. They can not be shipped to the US. Can go to Canada but not old US of A. A pity I tell you.
