She Shuffles Her Feet

My grandmaw. Christmas 2009 with my first cousin. Her, essentially her, always her. When I look at the picture I immediately think this is how she has always looked, although I know in reality she has aged in the last 37 years.

I notice on these days that she doesn't walk with the confidence that she did in the past. We went to one of her aunt's funeral. The rhythm of her steps had taken on a different beat, I could hear it. I was mesmerized by the simple action that said so much. So much that I don't want to see, accept, or hear. So much that she does not say.

My grandmother loves us in an amazing way, always has. She would rock us in her recliner when we were little, lay in bed with us until we went to sleep, make us breakfast. She does the same things with my children now. Many times I watch in awe until I am reminded (or remember) the days of being a little child and loving to be with my grandmother and grandfather. Always a constant support, stability and surety.

Now-today-this weekend, we are spending time in the hospital because she fell out of the bed and hurt herself. Her back gives her great pain. She can't stand up very well. I look on with unbelief. Is this the same woman who has run circles around me for most of my life? Who is my best friend? Who sees things in a way that most of us don't even think about. And I toss around the idea of life without her, thinking I am not ready. I talk to her everyday about my deepest fears. I see her almost every day. My children exist with her as a constant grandmother. She is my stronghold. No I cannot imagine life without her.

Still Trying

Sunday morning, after a week of vacation for Thanksgiving. Feeling as unmotivated as a snail on an uphill climb. The week has been far from pleasant, so unpleasant, turmoil, tears, and unsettled sleep. Unproductive in the most horrible way. Can't figure out most days if I am coming or going.
I have the most foul mood and it has been lingering for days. I can't quite figure out where it came from because I would surely send it back just as quickly. Even with the holiday season upon us my only thought is still, Lord let this time pass quickly. What if I had more money to buy presents? Would that bring a sense of "happiness" and calm? Uhhhmmmm, no it wouldn't. I know then I would anguish myself over rather or not it is the right gift, useful, blah blah blah.

What if my family was complete in one way or another? Would that answer my mood? No, I wouldn't trust him (whoever him may be), and I would still not be satisfied because the "situation" is not right. I think I will take this living arrangement then. I do not lose sleep over one person or another in my house being happy or satisfied. I do not concern myself with whether or not my actions are pleasing to another. My only concern is for my children and no matter any of the above circumstances, I would be concerned with all aspects of their life and how I affected it.

I have spent some of this vacation purging my storage totes. It started out as a Christmas material search but ended as a look back in time search. I found the tote with all of my wedding materials in it. So I started purging, and purging, and purging. I found a most disturbing journal entry. I wrote this during the spring of 96, before I was married and I was still in college. I was worried that I wasn't going to finish college, life was so difficult (if I only knew), dealing with my parents was difficult too. Yet, the most creapy think of all was at the very end of the journal entry. I was complaining of the idiot's job. He was in the jailer position and they were confirming and reassuring him that he would soon be on the road. I shared that I was worried that he would be unfaithful (what the he!!), he would be presented with an opportunity and would be WEAK. Oh sweet everything that is good and faithful in this world, how could I have had such thoughts about a person I was less than six months from marrying? And if I was having those thoughts, why in the world did I marry him anyway? Was that a prominition or just a thought because of something that had already happened and for the life of me I can't even imagine anything that had happened at that point in our lives. My heart was pure and I was walking into this agreement with the more confidence than I had ever felt about anything else in my life.

Is this God's way of telling me this is what it was all along even though I didn't even know it? I pray for guidance and forgiveness.

Ending Up Where You Started

I sit with my computer, wondering how much can I say, or not. Open your thoughts or not. Is it really opening when someone has already read them?

Insomnia has taken me again. Oh so tired, yet can't put my eyes to sleep. Sleep, oh so precious, leads to the dreams, even more precious. Dreams that open up.......what? I can't remember.

I started this post about six months ago. Of course, for the life of me I can't remember what I was writing. My cousin and me in the pics, when we were babies and about four I guess.

My cousin, the one who knows me better than most, has been around longer than most, has experienced things that only her and I have-no one else knows or would understand. My cousin, the one who likes some things I like, the one I can go to a book store with a never feel a minute of guilt or rush because she breaths it like me.

My cousin, the one who has walked through more than I could ever imagine, never gives up hope and refocuses me when I get lost in small town America.

My cousin, simply amazing.

Surprises, From the Most Amazing Places

Sometimes things happen that you don't understand. Actually, alot of things happen that you don't understand. And you think life can't go on. And life goes on. And you are grateful.

Teaching my students about the Declaration of Independence, and why the colonists were motivated to create a government on their own has led us down the most amazing story. Trying to convey to them the importance of the freedoms we experience and are endowed with in America is quite funny. Freedom of speech, such a simple concept right? They think yes, right. So that led us to blogging. And I showed them how essentially I could write anything I wanted (not really about other people), and post it. My inner most thoughts if I wanted.

And then my friend/coworker walked in on the teaching-discussion, and helped me with some simple spelling (thank you so much friend. I needed to come off of the pedastal of oh so excellent speller :-) And that lead to the why haven't you posted? Well, I don't know. Been through a difficult time, separation, divorce, living on my own for the first time in my life, and I don't know how many of those thoughts do we want on the world wide web.

So, I thought I would reflect on the day job (thanks again friend). That is a safe place.

Here is a pic, our end of the year crawfish boil. Our cafeteria manager (so sweet hearted, always something encouraging to say), my coworker/friend of 10 years, our comedian-in-residence/secretary, our fashion leader (one of many), and my future coworker. I felt such apprehension on this day. My 10 year coworker was moving to the high school. I knew she had played with the thought for years and I understood that. Sometimes elementary teaching can be overwhelming, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, throw in some children and a husband, and a house to take care of, and I crash. It was like going from that secure place to something you don't know. When you work with someone a long time, you know them, know how they think, what they like, you know them. And the unknown is scary.

My "new" coworker. We had actually been working together for just as long, not in the same grade but known each other none the less and interacted like people do. We were all part of the upstairs group, and that made interaction more than most. I know I wasn't scared but maybe eager? And now after working six months or so, it is fine. Much less stress, a whole lot easy.

And the cafeteria lady. On a very usual day at the beginning of a new school year, she came around to our rooms and picked up our lunch bags, like she would always do. And she fell down the stairs and hit her head. A brain injury. An injury that we were terrified would take her away from us. But God didn't. She is here, she is okay, she is alive, and we are grateful.

Gut Wrenching, Horrible-Still Looking for Answers

This summer-unforgettable, traumatic, no words to describe. The summer started easy enough. A short three week stint at the local college, getting paid to go to school and learning a little bit more about science. Lots of fun.
Then, the last week of school my grandmother's sister became really sick. They said she had a heart attack in church. She spent the week in the hospital. A few days in ICU. Then she was stable enough and doing well enough to go in a regular room. I brought my grandmother up to see her every night. Feeling tired but devastated, wanting to make sure my grandmother had an opportunity to be with her. On the Wednesday (I think), my cousin called and said my aunt wanted to hear my uncle play his guitar, could he please go to her hospital room that evening and play. He did. I couldn't stay in the room. I thought it was too difficult. Knowing what I thought she knew was near. It was just too difficult.

As we finished school that Friday, I was so excited. Finally, the summer was just beginning. In the meantime, my grandfather's health had been getting worse. He was having trouble walking. Falling sometimes. We had called home health so that he could be offered services at home. The doctors had said he had arthiritis and it was causing him a lot of pain. My mother-in-law was also not doing well. She couldn't walk around anymore, needed help going to the restroom, and wasn't going to dialysis like she needed. She had come and spent a weekend with us at the beginning of the summer. Her and I woke up early in the morning and talked, just us, alone. I made coffee for her and toast bread. Gave her medicine (she took out the ones she didn't like). She told me she loved me and she knew I loved her family. It felt good and scary at the same time. Ever since I began to date her son, she had always seemed to like me. Then after our trip to Vietnam, there were things only her and I could talk about. Like we had a secret no one else understood. Seeing her unhealthy was hard, it was really overwhelming to realize she couldn't do all of the things for herself that she could before and how incompetent we were in helping her.

On that Friday afternoon, someone called and said she had threw up and passed out. I went to the trailer, then to the hospital, waiting with my brother-in-law. The doctor called us, said she had a stroke and there was bleeding in her brain. He said call the family. I think I refused to believe him at that point. It couldn't happen yet, not now. That evening they transferred her to Thibodaux, did surgery to relieve the blood in her brain, and then she was stable. The doctor seemed encouraged. No, she may not come home like she was but she could get better. It wasn't her time yet. We went home that morning about 2am. At about 6am, my aunt passed away.
On Monday, they buried my aunt. On Monday, I helped my grandfather walk to the restroom-he fell. I put him in the bed-he slept alot. The doctor's office called and said an x-ray of his back showed he had only arthiritis. I felt devastated. How could that be. He couldn't walk anymore. He was talking in another language, his words didn't make any sense. And this was arthiritis? I couldn't believe it. I told him I loved him that day and waited to hear the words come back. He said he loved me too.

I had also spent the days going to see my mother-in-law, in the morning, in the evening. Sitting there, talking to her, holding her hand, thanking God for healing her so we could take her home and take care of her. I know God is a miracle worker and I believed he would work a miracle on her. As the week went on, she began opening her eyes, and squeezing our hands. Every movement felt like a mountain, so encouraging. One day she played with a little cup my husband put by her hand, she kept trying to grab it with her fingers. We thought that told us she knew what was going on. It wasn't just reflexes. After about a week though, she quit responding. Something changed. My granfather was now paralyzed, waist down at this point. His legs wouldn't work at all. I was spending the days trying to help take care of him.

One week after the stroke, we brought my grandfather to the hospital, he said his chest and his head hurt. My mom called and said he had a mass on his left lung and a brain tumor. Later that day, they did a scan and discovered there was also spots all over his right lung, his colon, his liver, and his tail bone and hip bones had totally detoriated-gone, mush. That explains why he couldn't walk. I guess it took over the arthiritis!

By Wednesday, he couldn't eat anymore, he couldn't swallow. We were begging for pain medicine, not wanting him to hurt at all. He went to sleep and for the next week, every now and then he would wake up. Sometimes he would try and talk to us, sometimes he would just make funny faces, letting us know he knew who we were. On Saturday, they took my mother-in-law off of the machines and put her in her own room. We went to see her that night. I only stayed a minute. It was harder than I had thought it would be. I was still waiting for her to wake up and talk to me. She passed away about 2:30 that morning. We buried her on Wednesday. Some days I still think she is there, at the trailer, and I miss her so much. Just to hear her talk. Anything.

I can't imagine life without her, even now. It has been one month.

On Thursday morning, the day after burying my mother-in-law, my grandfather passed. I told him that evening before that she had gone to heaven, it was okay now. I loved him. For him to get some rest. The next morning, about 5:30am, he left too. I knew he had been sick and I had prayed for God to take him. I knew he was not living, and was in such pain. But now-there is this unbelievable void, an emptiness that can not be filled. A lost feeling. How do you function when you lose two people that was so significant in your life.

My grandfather, my hero, my world. He knew everything, could do anything, and loved me and my children so much. He never hurt us, not once. Not with words, or actions. Undying love. I keep trying to figure how to live my life without that.

My mother-in-law. I spent endless hours listening to her tell me stories. About Vietnam, my husband, his father, everything. How muched she loved the children. Unconditional love. Just to hear her talk, call my name-like she did, no one else could say it like her. How lost.
Two rocks, one summer, unconditional love.