As I battle my insomnia, I have found that writing feels good. So, I will continue my mind emptying journal of my vacation to the land of everything green. I had my passport, now I could look forward to really going. I began packing, reading, and packing some more. I made a trip and bought huge amounts of candy (I thought the children would really enjoy it), enough cracker snacks for a month (if I ate one a day), towels (surprise, surprise), toilet paper (just a precaution), and medicine. Before I went, my biggest concern was food. My mother-in-law cooks Vietnamese dishes all of the time. However, in the 18 years I have known her, I have only adapted to eating two-pho and spring rolls. I definitely thought I would starve to death. Yes, I know that is a bit close minded but I really had no idea what to expect (was I ever going to be surprised). I packed clothes (to give away)-that was two suitcases.
In retrospect, I realize how much time I spent packing when there were other things I should have been concerned about. One-I did not know how to speak the language and could not understand anything. I knew how to count in Vietnamese and understood the words for "say" and "go". But nothing else. I also did not know anyone's name. I knew my brothers-in-laws' names, but I was mispronouncing that. I should have tried to learn something.
I never thought any where past landing on the ground in Vietnam. I didn't think about what I would do with my days, how I would communicate, getting to know the family, nothing. Just placing my feet on the ground, that would have been enough. I did have one worry-how would my mother-in-law make it through leaving them again and knowing that she would never see them again. Once she left Vietnam, we knew her health would not permit her to return. That thought made me ill, it was very hard to process.
Finally, departure day arrived. Dear husband took me to the airport and daughter came too. I didn't want her to come, I thought it would be too hard to leave her. Son was sleeping, and I kissed him bye. The airport was exciting, just the experience in itself was a journey. Before we left my husband, he told me, " I hope you find what you are looking for." I definitely thought, I hope I do too. Daughter gave me her little blue blanket (it is just a piece of leftover cloth she had gotten from my grandmother when she was very little. She would use it for her baby dolls), and told me to take it just in case I got lonesome. That was hard. I cried. Note-yes, I cry for everything. But I couldn't stop. It was horrible.
Since giving birth to my children, they are what I live for. Sometimes, I second guess myself on just how important they are to me. I know what I think in my head, their well being and happiness is more important to me than anything else in the world. When I left my daughter at the airport, it felt like a 100% confirmation of that feeling. At that moment, I promised myself never to leave her or her brother again. It was just too hard.
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